...as we forgive those who trespass against us...

i have been struggling with this issue of forgiveness for quite some time. it's a burden i don't wish to carry any longer. it is so easy to say 'i forgive you', but so much harder to feel it. this has been such a weight upon my heart that i sought the counsel of someone i consider a mentor. since he knew of the events that led to my current state of agitation, he was the most logical choice. his advice was to write a letter that would most likely never get sent. let it all out in the letter, and let that venting be cathartic. that said, i know the chances of this blog post being read are slim to none so....


i can't bring myself to call you 'dear':


you hurt me. truthfully, that doesn't even come close. the pain i felt at your betrayal was worse than anything i've ever experienced. never in my wildest dreams could i have imagined this nightmare. i've gone over the emails, thought back on the conversations, recalled the events that transpired that bring me to this point. the last time i heard you speak, the tone was just like so many of the emails; bitter, angry, resentful. not the tone one ascribes to a friend. you would deny all of this i'm sure if given the chance. but that's one thing i'm not giving you...


how do you forgive someone who took so much? you left me broken. and the worst part is that i never once felt you cared at all. you took what you wanted/needed, and gave nothing in return. that created a void that i was unable to compensate for. i'm sure if given the chance, you'd chalk my pain up to 'a woman scorned'. i suppose that's your view of it. my view is a little different and the fact that you didn't/couldn't see it is the main reason we are where we are. part of me wonders how you're sleeping lately. human nature i suppose, but i'm guessing your sleep is as troubled as it was the last couple of years. i'm sure you'll find someone else to blame for that.


i have tried, with every fiber of my being to hate you. but i cannot. when i think of you, and it surprises me how often that still happens, all i feel is a profound sense of loss and sadness. i will never understand how our friendship came to this. in your last email to me, i supposed you felt vindicated by quite curtly saying 'goodbye'. i guess i have to ask why you bothered?


now the hard part. i have been praying, fervently since these events unfolded almost a year ago, that eventually, i would come to a place where i could say: i forgive you. that's not an easy thing to do or say. but i am commanded to do just that. so my prayers have been that i feel it before i say it. i struggled with this until i realized (perhaps divine intervention) that in forgiveness, i didn't have to welcome you with open arms. i didn't have to say anything directly to you. i didn't have to resume any sort of relationship (not quite sure how to call it a friendship). i didn't need to call you friend. i just had to forgive.


so with that being said, i forgive you. for the hurt, for the betrayal, for the lies, for the contempt  in your voice, for the destruction of a long and valued friendship. i want nothing more than to be able to honestly say this from my heart. with this, i am at peace.