Dinner began innocently enough. My child met me at a restaurant for dinner recently. We had to wait for a table so as we stood waiting for a spot to open at the bar, she said something to me in a way that tugs at my heart. She prides herself on being a capable adult who can pretty much handle anything life throws her way. However, when she spoke, I could see the faint welling of tears that she would never let fall. Not at a restaurant, much less in front of me. "I think I'm being 'ex'd' (a term she coined to define the state when the current object of her affections stops dating her after a few months because his former significant other has returned and they reunite). I asked a few questions, offering as much support as I could for her. But as with all things like this, I couldn't swoop in and fix it as I'm wont to do. Eventually our discussions turned to other topics and dinner was enjoyable. However, as I was driving home, I had to ask myself how this can repeatedly happen to her. No, it really isn't fair.
The fact that she is still dating this young man, doesn't negate the fact that I feel people in general have lost the ability to have meaningful, serious relationships. I'm obviously not the only person to notice this epidemic. Divorce lawyers have made quite a living on our inability to choose life partners with any semblance of permanence. We've all heard the statistics, fifty percent of marriages today end in divorce. We ascend to the alter with promises of 'till death do us part', only to find that the only thing that dies is the relationship. Why is this happening?
While I am not going to try to generalize here, I have to fall back on my roots. We have come to live in a disposable society. Everything, it seems, is made to head for the landfill. Growing up, I was taught to reuse when possible and the dishes were washed. We didn't eat off paper ones. 'Disposability' permeates every aspect of our modern lives so it should come as no surprise it has crept into our closest relationships. I'm sure this happens to men as well as women, I just see so much more of it in women. They do everything 'right' and still get kicked to the curb. Is this a good trend?
While I don't have a solution to the epidemic, I do have a suggestion for my child and other women who find themselves in the same position time and time again. I was raised Roman Catholic and I am active in my church. Catholics call marriage a sacrament. A sacrament is what Roman Catholics believe to be a rite in which God is uniquely active. Think about that. If marriage is a sacrament, then marriage is a rite in which God is uniquely active. How can anything that God is actively involved in be temporary? Maybe we need to go back to believing that marriage is holy and sacred. I am beginning to think that we are finding ourselves here because we've gotten so far way from this fact. If couples approached marriage in a Christ centered way, they are getting a good start to a lifetime together. To maintain this focus requires a conscious effort on both the husband and wife. It cannot be one sided. Its about a partnership. One where both people give the same weight to the work it takes to nurture and promote their union. Too often, we are caught up in the day to day minutiae that tend to monopolize our lives that we lose sight of the small things that can make or break a relationship.
Honesty plays a huge role here as well. Are men being honest about what they want in a relationship? Or are they simply riding it out because they enjoy the attention? And ladies, are we being honest? All the things we go through to make a guy feel like 'we're the one'. Is it sustainable? Or are we just doing these things to exact a commitment? Once we have them 'hooked', we are free to revert to our 'pre-courtship' ways? Being single myself, I've made every attempt to be honest with myself on these issues. I've 'chosen' twice and failed twice. I have no desire to do that a third time. Was I setting myself up for failure? God knows neither of my marriages were Christ centered. Neither were in the Church either. And if nothing else, I will not make these two mistakes again.
So in the end, I don't have answers for my little girl. I would love to tell her that its only a matter of time before her prince comes riding in on his steed to sweep her off her feet. I can't do that however. Disney lied. What I am telling her is that if she wants a good, solid, life long lasting marriage, she needs to make Christ the center of her commitment. In this day and age, I believe He is the only way to marital bliss.
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