I have female friends!!!

now to many of you, that may seem like a strange title for a blog post. however, most of my life, i have never had close women friends. oh, there were exceptions, but as a rule, i have always hung out with the guys. this goes back as far as i can remember.

in high school and grade school, i had 'best friends' who were girls. and after losing touch with both of them over the years (yes, you read that right there were only two - one in grade school and the other in high school), i've found them both on facebook and have reconnected. in the years since school, i've had women who i called friends, however we really never did anything together. this was mostly because they were always married and i was not. i did manage to be a fifth wheel a few times, but rarely if ever did we go out without her significant other. at the time i guess it just never occurred to me, but now looking back, i'm so sorry that i didn't cultivate those friendships more.

i didn't intend things to work out this way. it just happened. growing up i was a tom-boy when it wasn't necessarily in fashion. i was very close to my dad and did things he enjoyed: shooting, motorcycle riding, mowing the lawn, and the like. in the mid 1960s, the culture was very different from today. girls doing those activities today are encouraged for the most part. and because of this, there are many more who participate in traditionally male oriented activities.  so i grew up without those strong female bonds. and this was a definite detriment for me that i'm just now realizing.

i look at my daughter who has hundreds of female friends. many of these are friend she considers close. the key difference i think is that many of them were forged prior to marriage. and their friendships continued after the friend tied the knot. i listen with more than a little envy when she talks about going out with the girls. she has a support system in place. something that this last year has convinced me i need in the worst kind of way.

the saying goes, better late than never. i have a good start. my daughter is also my friend. there's my sister. one of the two best friends from school is actively communicating with me and because she now lives out of state, we are planning for me to visit, perhaps later this year. another friend who i haven't talked to in more than a few years, recently remarried and we are in the process of catching up. most recently, i was introduced to a wonderful woman, oddly enough, by her boyfriend (who is my friend....). and i am hopeful that this blossoms into yet another cherished friendship.

so it begins. small at first with only a few. but i'm slowly building my female network and support system. i still enjoy the company of the guys in my life, but i'm really excited about the joys in the new found relationships. maybe it's not too late for me after all?

march 25....

i suppose that today is just like any other day. it used to be special, but it isn't any more. for me anyway. as funny as it sounds, i've been dreading today for the last several weeks because i need to let go of my past and walk with confidence into my future. i'm struggling. 


so as has become my habit when feeling a little shaky, i turn to today's readings for the daily Mass. i've found that in the last several months, reading scripture calms my anxious spirit. i don't comb the pages looking for divine guidance, i just read the words and allow their old familiarity sink into my bones. today's gospel is from the book of Luke. the story is about the angel Gabriel coming to Mary and telling her she was to have a Son. the same scripture is the start of the prayer: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee... i love the gospel of Luke. and as i read the words, i thought of the young girl whose life was just turned on its head with the announcement. she didn't understand what was happening or how it could happen. yet in the end, she says "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.” that is amazing faith. 


but the line of this gospel reading that spoke to me comes a sentence above that. "for nothing will be impossible for God". i was looking for something to lift my spirits and i found it in that small sentence. my worst fears were realized and i'm still standing. do i have regrets? of course. but He's teaching me to not dwell on the past and to trust Him with my future. for someone who is so used to fending for myself, its a difficult lesson to learn. what i have learned is that when these feelings come, i can find solace and conviction in God's word. 


nothing, not even me being happy again is impossible for God.

of mice and men....

If you read my earlier post about my house, I neglected to mention that this wonderful piece of land I purchased is for the most part, rural. I don't live in an allotment, instead choosing to plunk my house down in a clearing near the woods. While it makes for beautiful surroundings, it also comes with some issues. Garden and Wolf spiders love my home. During the summer, my house could rival any haunted house in October for the number of spider webs clinging to the eaves and around the light fixtures. Wasps love the rafters and eaves. I've had yellow jackets bore into the siding and into the space between the first and second floor. I've dealt with all of these issues, accepting them as the price for the scenery. The one I struggle with is the mice.

Mice moved into the garage early on. Coming from a development in Akron, I just never had to deal with mice inside of a home. If we had them when I was a child, my parents never said. So the first time I saw one in the garage, I tried not to panic. I was married at the time and my husband simply set old fashioned wooden mouse traps. And he invariably caught them. I was spared the setting, baiting, placing, and then disposing of said traps. I was fine with that. Besides, they were in the garage. I didn't really care if they were out there. Of course, the mice didn't just stay in the garage, and when they made their assault on the main living area, I was ready. I had house cats after all. I just assumed the cats would take care of the problem. I was partially right. The cats usually caught and killed them, but then I had to retrieve their stiff little bodies and wing them into the woods. 

Fast forward a few years. Now divorced, I'm left to deal with the mouse problem mostly myself. Because I rescue Brittanys, I can no longer have the cats have run of the house. So they aren't any good for mousing. None of this would be an issue except that last week, I noticed 'mouse droppings' in my kitchen. Just the thought of their tiny paws running over my counters was enough to make me cringe. I wipe down every flat surface daily with Clorox wipes but it doesn't help expunge the image of these tiny, disease ridden varmints tracking all over my counter tops. I had to take action.

I stopped at my local big box home improvement store to look for mouse traps. The fact that there is a dizzying array of different traps sort of amazed me. I kept thinking about the old joke about building a better mouse trap. The entire time I'm shopping, I'm wishing, praying that there was a 'rent a husband' service at this store. Because face it, that's what I really wanted. I didn't want to bait, set, and then 'collect' these traps. I wanted that knight in shining armor to charge in and take care of it for me. Allowing myself a few moments of fantasy, I finally decided on the type of trap that I had to bait, but then would close and keep me from seeing the dead mouse. All I had to do was toss the entire trap when 'full'. Great. Even I can handle this. 

I set the traps earlier this evening. I bought two of them and placed them as the instructions suggested. I went into the living room with the dogs to watch television, assuming that I would check the traps in the morning. I used peanut butter as the bait, carefully replacing the paper sticker holding it inside the trap. Twisting the trap to set it, I placed them both against a wall and headed for the other room. I heard nothing. About an hour and a half later, I went into the kitchen to get a soda from the refrigerator. I glanced towards one of the traps and noticed it was sitting a couple of inches away from the wall. I was positive I set the trap against the wall. So I tiptoed over to the trap, and peered at the top. Sure enough, the 'mouse caught' flag was up. I couldn't believe it. That disgusting creature was actually in my kitchen while I was in the other room! Just the thought gave me shivers. The second trap was not touched. 

Then it dawned on me. I had to dispose of the full trap. I am fully aware that the mouse inside of the trap is dead. Yet I hesitated. I got my readers to make sure the trap was indeed showing as caught and not just sprung. Nope, the flag was impossible to misinterpret. Now I had to pick this up and put it in the garbage. I can't tell you how long I stood there struggling with this seemingly simple task. I just could not bring myself to touch the trap. I felt stupid. I kept listening for the horse's hooves pounding up the driveway, bringing someone to save me from this task. Needless to say, I closed my eyes, grabbed the trap with two fingers, held it at arms length and walked it out to the trash can in the garage. Gee. I can hardly wait to see what I catch tomorrow morning. I get to do this all over again. 

The good news is that the traps work. The better news is that I can summon the fortitude to do disgusting tasks all by myself. That's not keeping me from wishing for a knight, but it makes me self sufficient until he decides to arrive. Typical man got lost on the way to my house and refuses to ask directions.....

A snowbird? Maybe...

More than a few people have commented on my 'winter bashing' this year. Don't get me wrong, I love the changing of the seasons. My favorites are predictably, the transition seasons of Fall and Spring. I have always told people that I don't want to move south because I would miss the changing of the seasons. That is true, however, it is more than that. It's my house...

To explain my reluctance to move, it helps to understand the story of Wolfrun. I built this house. I did not hire a general contractor, I subbed out all the work myself. This post will not get into the foolishness of that endeavor, but it is necessary to know that to understand the full connection between this structure and me.


Years ago, the Akron Beacon Journal used to publish 'study prints' of homes. You could order the prints and then get full blueprints made from them. I found this house and the study prints named the design Wolfrun. I fell in love. Closest I could get to an A-frame and not have knee walls. I tucked the study prints away, and I knew someday, I would build this house of my dreams. 


Fast forward ten (or so) years and I'm finally in a position financially where I could build my own home and move out of the city. The first task was to choose a lot to build on. The land this house stands on is a direct answer to prayer. After what felt like endless searching, I was out driving randomly and was crying. I needed a lot I could afford that wasn't closely surrounded by neighbors. I love my neighbors, I just have no desire to live on top of them as I did when I lived in Akron. I had been looking for land for months with no real prospects. In desperation that day (it was a Sunday), I was driving aimlessly out in the townships of Summit County. In tears I prayed "God, please help me find a lot! I have to have a lot!". I was on Killian at the time and a tiny flash of orange caught my eye. I pulled over and walked back to where I thought I saw the color. Sticking out of foot tall brush, partially covered with snow, was about one square inch of a For Sale sign. The rest is history...


Construction started in May of 1992. I won't go into that nightmare here either. The construction story is a post in and of itself! But I will say that this was the summer of Hurricane Andrew and when the rains came, I did not have a roof. After months of work and angst, I finally moved in to the home in November. I was letting in finish contractors but I was officially 'home'. I was so excited to celebrate Christmas in this new place. I decided against working any overtime over the Christmas holiday and took vacation time so I could be off and enjoy the fruits of my labor. 


On January 15 I lost my job. I had worked for Goodyear for over 10 years and they cut our department in half. I was in security. The job paid outstandingly well, but didn't offer much in the way of resume boosting. The bottom line was I had not even converted my construction loans. I had cashed out my 401K and invested it, plus the proceeds from the sale of my first home, plus most of my inheritance. My mortgage wasn't going to be huge, but when you're unemployed, any mortgage is a problem. Needless to say, with a background in 'security', potential employers were not beating a path to my door. On top of all of this I had pets to think of. So after my housing costs, any left over money from my unemployment checks went to pet food. I ate at my mom's. There were months where I wasn't sure I was going to make it. And no one in my family had the resources to help me. I was on my own and stood to lose everything I had. Again, if the fact that I didn't isn't enough to prove the existence of God then I don't know what else would be. I was out of work for over 9 months. And when I did get a job, I went from earning mid to upper $40's annually to making $6.25 an hour. Needless to say, I had to make some serious budgetary adjustments. It's amazing what you can do without when you have to. It was a humbling experience to say the least.


Now all these years later, I remember with vivid clarity how I almost lost the house of my dreams. The Lord has seen me through several occupations since the early 90's, but one thing has remained consistent: I have always left one job for the next at a higher salary. He so completely takes care of me. This is the view from my second floor balcony. I see this every day when I wake up.

I have been, and continue to be blessed beyond my wildest imagination. I have been entrusted with this little slice of heaven on earth and He has gone to such great lengths to keep me here. So maybe I start looking for vacation property in Florida? It would be fun to visit during the worst of the winter here. But here will always be home.

Spring and name changes...

spring is coming to South Pond. that's where i live. there are two lakes in Springfield Township that are spring fed and flow into the Tuscarawas River. I live on the southern one so hence, the name. i didn't choose the name; it appears on several maps of the area. 


that being said, i figured since this is where i do my musings and waxings from, it would be an appropriate title for this blog. ah the power that comes with blog ownership...


now for the real reason for this post. spring is returning to South Pond. how can i tell, you might ask? it isn't the threat of yet more snow this weekend, no. it is the fact that while out cleaning the yard (i still cannot fathom how three brittanys can produce so much, um, solid waste...), i heard the distinctive chatter of Canada geese who have used my lake as a nesting site for more years than i can remember. they choose this place among other reasons because i feed them. i know i shouldn't but they are so cute when they are little.... they begin to lay their eggs in late March or early April and the goslings are following their parents into my yard by the end of the month. they are the oddest shade of green and make the cutest noise, which sounds like they are saying 'wee wee'.  


as i looked across the lake, i could see on the far side, a strip of open water. that is why the geese are back. spring can truly not be far away!

Lenten Observance

The season of Lent begins Wednesday. This year, I'm taking time off work to attend Mass Wednesday morning and receive ashes. The reason I'm doing this is because of all the turmoil that I've gone through in the past year and how developing a closer relationship with my Lord has seen me through the worst of it. It's about living my life differently and making public acknowledgement of my relationship with Christ. While I've been a believer most of my adult life, this represents a shift in direction for me. 


My current struggle is what to 'give up' for Lent. This decision was easy when I was a kid. Mom imposed whatever she was foregoing. We were denied by default. A much simpler time. Now that I'm an adult, the choices are numerous. Nativity has several suggestions from Rice Bowls to attending Generations of Faith. My temptation is to fall back on the childhood favorite of giving up sweets, but that would be too easy... Even the title of this post, 'observance', I want to do more than 'observe' Lent this year. And for the first time in years, I don't think I'll have any trouble remembering to abstain from meat on Fridays. This year is different.


I know a lot of people are critical of the Catholic Church for the pomp and circumstance that they apply to everything. Some say, to the exclusion of scripture. I disagree. Maybe it is because I was raised in the church, I find the ceremonies and rituals comforting. I have tried more than a few denominations: baptist, evangelical, lutheran, Church of Christ, to name a few. But each time I came back to the church and just felt so 'right'. We could probably do more in the area of scriptural study, but the church has come a long way since Vatican II. For years I said I was Catholic but not practicing. I guess I'm 'practicing' now...


Lent is the preparation for the promise of Easter. This year, it has new meaning for me.

never wanted to be a mom...

i made the decision a long time ago that i didn't want children. its not that i don't like kids, quite the opposite, i love them. i just never had the desire to have any of my own. but as usually happens, God had other ideas.

i knew when i met and eventually married my husband that he was part of a package deal. divorced himself, with three children, i knew that having him in my life meant having them, even if he was not the custodial parent. i decided early on that these kids deserved the best from me. and that while they were in my care, i would treat them as if i had given birth to them myself.

angela was 7 when i met her and the twins were 4 1/2. we saw them every other weekend and a week during the summer initially. that all changed when their mother remarried. angela was her father's daughter, having the strongest connection to him and as such, suffered the most when her mother made the decision to move the family out of state. since this happened during the school year, all three children came to live with their dad and me until the school year was finished. looking back, it was a lot of work but it was harder still letting go when it was time for them to move. angela maintained from the beginning that she wanted to live with her dad but of course, her mom would have none of that... being truthful, having them go was hard to do. while i didn't feel i was ready to be a full time parent, it was hard watching all this happen and the impact it had on my husband. at first the kids handled it as best they could, but ang struggled. after two years of summer only visits, angela came to live with us full time. i won't go into those gory details here, but it wasn't a pleasant custody fight despite the fact that ang was 14 and well old enough to choose where she wanted to live. needless to say, i went from being childless to the mother of a teenager overnight. while i would love to say it was all sunshine and rainbows, that would be totally inaccurate. the little girl i had such a wonderful relationship with, turned into a sullen and angry teen. and the anger was directed at me, especially when i tried to impose limits. i used to beat myself a lot, telling myself that i could do better at this, but the arguments continued. in the end, her father and i divorced. ang continued to live with me until she finished her associate's degree. she then moved out. we didn't speak for more than a few years after that happened.

i look back on all of this and i marvel at how now she, having matured into a successful woman, and i could have such a remarkable relationship. the funniest part for me is realizing that she is right up there with my niece and nephew as to how far i would go for her. i can honestly say that we are friends. and there were times initially that i would have never said that. she is the only 'child' i will ever have and i am proud to call her my daughter. we mutually dropped the 'step' a long time ago. i've watched her grow through relationships, heartbreaks, and the tough choices we make when we figure out we need to grow up. i'm there to applaud her successes and to help her up when she stumbles. she is a trusted confidant. as i write this i'm smiling. mostly because i knew deep down that we'd get here eventually, although there were times i wondered if i'd survive. i can honestly say that i 'feel' like a parent. she looks to me for advice and guidance. she loves me.

i asked to remain childless, but God in His infinite wisdom gave me the most wonderful 
daughter i could have ever asked for. i am so thankful He did.