never wanted to be a mom...

i made the decision a long time ago that i didn't want children. its not that i don't like kids, quite the opposite, i love them. i just never had the desire to have any of my own. but as usually happens, God had other ideas.

i knew when i met and eventually married my husband that he was part of a package deal. divorced himself, with three children, i knew that having him in my life meant having them, even if he was not the custodial parent. i decided early on that these kids deserved the best from me. and that while they were in my care, i would treat them as if i had given birth to them myself.

angela was 7 when i met her and the twins were 4 1/2. we saw them every other weekend and a week during the summer initially. that all changed when their mother remarried. angela was her father's daughter, having the strongest connection to him and as such, suffered the most when her mother made the decision to move the family out of state. since this happened during the school year, all three children came to live with their dad and me until the school year was finished. looking back, it was a lot of work but it was harder still letting go when it was time for them to move. angela maintained from the beginning that she wanted to live with her dad but of course, her mom would have none of that... being truthful, having them go was hard to do. while i didn't feel i was ready to be a full time parent, it was hard watching all this happen and the impact it had on my husband. at first the kids handled it as best they could, but ang struggled. after two years of summer only visits, angela came to live with us full time. i won't go into those gory details here, but it wasn't a pleasant custody fight despite the fact that ang was 14 and well old enough to choose where she wanted to live. needless to say, i went from being childless to the mother of a teenager overnight. while i would love to say it was all sunshine and rainbows, that would be totally inaccurate. the little girl i had such a wonderful relationship with, turned into a sullen and angry teen. and the anger was directed at me, especially when i tried to impose limits. i used to beat myself a lot, telling myself that i could do better at this, but the arguments continued. in the end, her father and i divorced. ang continued to live with me until she finished her associate's degree. she then moved out. we didn't speak for more than a few years after that happened.

i look back on all of this and i marvel at how now she, having matured into a successful woman, and i could have such a remarkable relationship. the funniest part for me is realizing that she is right up there with my niece and nephew as to how far i would go for her. i can honestly say that we are friends. and there were times initially that i would have never said that. she is the only 'child' i will ever have and i am proud to call her my daughter. we mutually dropped the 'step' a long time ago. i've watched her grow through relationships, heartbreaks, and the tough choices we make when we figure out we need to grow up. i'm there to applaud her successes and to help her up when she stumbles. she is a trusted confidant. as i write this i'm smiling. mostly because i knew deep down that we'd get here eventually, although there were times i wondered if i'd survive. i can honestly say that i 'feel' like a parent. she looks to me for advice and guidance. she loves me.

i asked to remain childless, but God in His infinite wisdom gave me the most wonderful 
daughter i could have ever asked for. i am so thankful He did.